Everyday should be a holiday!

Every year, we gather around a large dining table, maybe with family and a feast, maybe with just a few friends that have become family, or maybe with all of these things, minus a grateful heart. Thanksgiving was just a few weeks ago, and my favorite holiday, Christmas, is just around the corner. This is the time of year when being unhappy is difficult, but it wasn't until today that I realized that particular happiness of mine is somewhat superficial. After the holidays pass, I tend to get a little sad that they're gone; as odd as it sounds, it's almost like I forget what it's like to not have the "holiday mindset", if you know what I mean. Once all the ornaments on the tree get put away, and the Christmas tree makes its way from my living room to the street, I realize that so many other more important "things" similarly get put away or thrown out.

The happiness I associate with Christmas is only superficial because I've made it that way, though it shouldn't be. I don't always reflect on what it is that makes me smile a little longer at a stranger, or want to help someone who can't afford a Christmas gift for their kiddos. And on Thanksgiving, I love the food, I even love preparing it. I'm always happy on these two holidays (or pretty much any other) because of the memories I've collected throughout the years on those meaningful days. All of those memories are linked to spending time with my extended family, particularly during my childhood, when everything "seemed" perfect. So those memories obviously return to me, especially on Christmas morning. But what happens the rest of the year? Well, I do try...but you know, there's always an excuse that isn't really good enough.

In order to have sympathy or even empathy for someone, I think it requires a certain degree of thankfulness and a whole lot of understanding and patience. It seems that during the holidays, we temporarily allow our minds to be shielded from all the ugly thoughts they normally entertain. They don't have to be that gruesome, I'm simply referring to ungratefulness, judgmental attitudes, or an inability to forgive...it seems all these things get swept under the rug during the holidays (though not always). We temporarily ignore them, and that's okay but we should eventually deal with them. Maybe, for the sake of our own sanity, we easily embrace a pseudo-happiness that's so tempting because of its alleviating qualities, especially around the holidays. But, again, what happens the rest of the time? Maybe we stay a few zip codes away from our families, except for twice a year (on those special occasions), maybe we refuse to talk to certain people because we can only handle them in small doses, like medication. Maybe, on our bad days, we focus on everything that's going wrong, since there isn't a snowman vinyl cling on our window to put a temporary smile on our face. Does that sound familiar? Jeez, it sounds like me!

Yep, I confess. I feel guilty right now. I am happy, but I realize I need to be more like this throughout the year, not just when I get to go home to a house that smells like Christmas-scented oil or get to hear the same 20 Christmas songs played on the radio over and over again (and that doesn't bother me). I should also mention that most of the time I can't even stand it when they play the same songs over and over on the radio, or even play reruns on TV, but I do make an exception for Christmas songs and those cheesy little 30-minute claymation Christmas movies that I've always adored...strange, I know. Now why is it that my overall attitude can't take a lesson from my Christmas spirit?

I guess this is why they came up with the cliche that says something about keeping Christmas in your heart throughout the year. I also think this is why they say there is a difference between joy and happiness. Joy is when you're able to acknowledge that life is hard for everyone and still smile and behave lovingly anyway. Happiness is when you pretend that life isn't hard, and when you find out that it is, you turn into a year-around grinch. I'm a little bit of both, except maybe the latter doesn't completely apply, I do have my good days ;), I just want there to be more of them.

Being thankful throughout the year helps with a lot of things; it helps me realize that I have a lot more than most, whether it's the ability to handle difficulties or even that I have things like my health and a warm place to sleep. As a result, being thankful makes it so much easier to be a loving person, I'm a lot more understanding and less judgmental, because I realize that maybe some people don't have it as good as I do. Maybe they don't have any pleasant holiday childhood memories, maybe that's part of the reason why they don't think of anyone else but themselves? But instead of solely focusing on their selfishness, being grateful for what I have (like an ability to be happy instead of depressed around the holidays) helps me turn my focus to what THEY are lacking, and I'm not referring to the good attitude they aren't displaying but the love they've never received. Do you see what I mean?

So when we see a Salvation Army volunteer outside of a shopping center around the holidays, of course we should offer what we can to them, but we should also turn our focus to how we treat the poor throughout the year, and I'm not just referring to the financially needy. There are a lot of emotionally and spiritually poor folks on this Earth, and how we treat them partially determines how needy they remain. But, of course, maybe we need to reflect on what we are lacking first, and I'm not referring to material things, like the hippopotamus you may want for Christmas :) (I have been listening to way too many Christmas songs!).

It's almost Christmas!

Well...we still have quite a way to go, but it's close enough for me! I've been pretty busy lately, haven't had the time to blog...still, I've wanted to blog about so many things. Now that I actually have the time to sit and blog, I can't really remember what it is I've wanted to blog about...I guess I'm getting old, this is a sign, isn't it?

I know, that's completely not the case, but it does feel sometimes that life is just flying by and it definitely didn't seem that way when I was a lot younger, when I thought I'd never be old enough to stay up past 9pm (when I was sure all the magic began for everyone over age 8). Now it's about a quarter to 9, depending on whether or not you've changed your clock an hour back...and there appears to be no sign of magic brewing anywhere around here, but I think it's because I'm just getting used to the blissful feeling that comes with being blessed with way too many things to count. Lately it seems it doesn't matter if it's after 9 or not, life is still pretty wonderful, thank God for that.

That wasn't the case this time last year, when I was having a lot of issues with my gut; we weren't sure what was wrong, until the doctor finally figured out it was my gallbladder. As I reflect back on all of this past year's tough times, I can't help but have even more hope for things to come.

Ahh...I feel a blog entry coming on now:
Today, Jose and I took a walk around a really nice neighborhood here in Austin. There was a peaceful breeze, along with a ton of wonderfully autumn-colored leaves scattered on people's front yards, and it was quiet and calm. I didn't feel any physical pain, I could walk down the street without any worry that I might be in any kind of danger, and I knew that when we were done with our walk, I'd be able to go home. Home. That word has gained a new kind of meaning for me ever since Jose and I moved into our new apartment this past summer. It's literally a safe haven, something I've always wanted, and it's not just the cute vintage furniture and decorations that make it feel that way. This new home of mine is a place I've come to associate with the kind of peace I thought could only be experienced internally, in the humanly uninhabited places of our souls where only God resides when we've allowed ourselves to accept his love. But you know, literally speaking, this isn't even a home we're living in...it's an apartment, and here's where the analogy comes in: This is just one of the first big steps in life--moving into the first apartment--and yet it already feels like a home to me. I know this is a blessing because I think that not very many people at this age feel as if their lives are full; it's like they're waiting for something, but they don't know what they're waiting for, or what to do with themselves while they're waiting. There's usually so much uncertainty that usually leads to insecurity and overall unhappiness.

These days, for me, there's always something to come home to. Even if there isn't anything made for dinner yet, or the air conditioner is broken, among other things...I can know that at least I'm not emotionally starving and that I'm still in one piece, not broken at all, thanks to the one thing I can be certain of--the certainty of being loved. I hope everyone can go home for Christmas.

Cooking adventures, life's fun surprises, and giving thanks

I am so excited at how nice the weather has been lately; it's not exactly the typical fall weather we've been experiencing, but it's close enough for Texas! I love waking up early in the morning and opening all the windows of my lovely apartment; I can't believe I'm actually able to do this now. Oh how I've missed fresh air that's far from suffocatingly hot and disgustingly humid! I love how there's a carpet of crispy, colorful leaves leading up to the doorstep of my apartment! But most of all, I love how, right after Halloween, stores will start stocking up on Thanksgiving and Christmas decorations! I can't help it, I'm definitely a tiny bit happier during the Autumn and Winter months. You know what else excites me? The idea of being in a completely different section of the US this time next year! It's ridiculous how long I've wanted to live on the East Coast, and I'm thrilled that it's actually going to be a reality very, very soon!

I'm very thankful with how things have been going lately. Of course, life is never perfect, but I definitely feel like I can handle its little imperfections a lot better now than I could before. A big part of it has to do with the fact that I'm actually able to get out of the house a lot more. Sure, I definitely have my moments when I prefer to be indoors, but I notice that I'm a lot happier when I can interact with the world, at least for a couple of hours--and lets not forget my love for nature, trees, and sunshine; I even notice I feel better when I have the windows open, this is why I'm glad that it's actually been cool enough lately to be able to do that.

And the cooking adventures! There have been a lot of those...and in the future, there will probably be even more, especially since I'm actually cooking for a family now! It's like a little job of mine to be the personal "chef/cook" gal for this family I recently met through the school where I work on Tues/Thurs. I know it's just a tiny step, but I really do feel like this "culinary dream" of mine is coming to life a bit more as a result of this occurrence; it's like I can actually picture myself a caterer and restaurant owner. Even if I'm unable to attend culinary art school in the future, I don't see why those things still couldn't happen if they're already starting to, slowly but surely, become part of my reality...yes, very slowly...slow enough for me to really understand the science behind both cooking and baking...

Which reminds me, I've been planning on getting some books on cake/cookie decorating. You know, I always hear people say that "chefs don't bake" and that it's not possible to be a good baker and cook, but I don't buy it. I personally enjoy cooking and baking for different reasons. I do have to admit, most of the time when I bake, I'm so fixated on trying to make something quick enough to satisfy my impatient sweet tooth that I often overlook the aesthetic aspects of baking...you know, the decorating part. I focus more on trying to make it tasty rather than pretty, but I want that to change. I don't see why I have to sacrifice one for the other in that department either. Also, I feel like most of my food is "practical" in the sense that it's not new and creative, well, most of it isn't. The actual recipe might be creative in that it uses unique ingredients, but I would really love to incorporate flavors from different countries. I'd see this pursuit as something resembling painting--mixing different colors together, or flavors in this case, to get an amazing shade that'll effortlessly make the painted image pop out of its lifeless and confining canvas. I realize trying new foods will probably be the best way to do that, taste buds do make for a great palate, but we'll see how it happens...this should be interesting considering my demonic digestive system. Ah, so many obstacles to overcome, but this one is a cinch compared to all the other ones I've faced!

So if you see me around any time soon, I'll probably have an apron on. Ha. No, no. I'll probably just have a couple of oddly shaped fingernails. What? You ask. Yep, you read right. This is kind of grunny (aka funny and gross united to make a word I'm probably too embarrassed to use in real life but have enough guts to use in my blog because it won't be associated with my overly-dorky minnie mouse voice.): The other day I was cooking and noticed a piece of my nail was missing, it definitely looked as if a knife had severed it at an awkward angle...I have a feeling it ended up in our dinner...YUMMY! Hey McDonald's has their secret sauce, so I guess that makes us all entitled to our own little special ingredient, whatever it may be.

my world gets an occasional but very welcomed snowfall

Even though my glass looks cloudy on the outside (from the dirty fingeprints left by my hand that's usually been clutching the glass much too tightly in fear of dropping it), I always try to look at it half full instead of half empty. Of course, that's not always easy. But here's what came to mind this morning after finding out a little bit of good news that definitely brightened my day...

I've often thought about how it seems so many good people suffer the most, they get more than their share of burdens and heartache in life. It didn't seem fair to me, especially after seeing people I love go through more than just a few difficult situations. I wondered that if God really promised to protect his children, then why would he allow them to suffer so much, especially if they were leading meaningful and godly lives. In my younger years my grandmother would even tell me that we each had our own little guardian angel there by our side, and I loved that idea so much that I held onto it. To this day, I don't doubt that there are supernatural beings under God's authority protecting us, and I still believe that miracles happen on a daily basis. Even if they are as invisible to us as the face of God himself, they still impact our lives greatly, sometimes they are even the reasons why we are alive.

I've experienced my own miracles in life, and what's recently occurred to me is that I don't know if I could've experienced them in the same way had my life been easy from day one. But like every other human being, I do get tired of challenges; sometimes it seems like I want a life that's more like Candy Land instead of Trouble. Still, I also realize that it is easier for a couple of snowflakes to stand out among a murky field of dirt cakes than a blanketed field of flowers, if you catch my drift. If you're from Texas, and you've traveled to places where people actually have a white Christmas, then you know how much more excited Texans become when they're blessed with a day filled with an interesting mix of snow/sleet than those who take part in shoveling huge piles of snow on a daily basis (at least during the winter months, it isn't such a blessing to the latter group). But I guess when you're in a state, literally and figuratively, that usually resembles Hades, at least temperature-wise, then snow really is a blessing when the Cold Miser stops by for a brief visit.

So on days like this I celebrate. It's gonna be hot again, but my own little world got a tiny smidgen of snow today. It turns out one of the medical bills I thought I had to pay is actually going to be covered in-full by the billing department itself, since my insurance refused to pay what I initially thought they were going to; it's a complicated story, but here's the interesting thing... Even though for a while I had the extra burden of having to worry about another bill, if I never had that temporary disturbance, I wouldn't have been able to experience that slight tinge of happiness after discovering my balance on the bill would be brought down to $0. I would've just gone on with my life and missed out on a little blessing that originally started out as a burden. These are the things I need in my life to make me a thankful person.

You know, now that I think about it, I'm glad my life isn't like Candy Land. After awhile, I'd have a mouth empty of any teeth or full of cavities. I wouldn't appreciate life's sweet moments that seem to come along right after the more bitter ones. I'm glad my life is this way, it's like a dish I developed a taste for after realizing its complicated flavors actually do complement each other quite nicely while they enhance the overall eating experience. I always find a way to make food analogies, it seems :). But yeah, I don't like bland food so why would I want my life to be that way?

what makes life delicious

Food is beautiful. We need it to stay alive, but the wrong kind will eventually send us to an early grave. Though it seems the food that's the fastest, "most tasty" (at least in the opinion of the food-ignorant, food can actually be healthy AND good!), and most "filling" is also the nastiest--well, when you get down to basics. Junk food is like the cover of a mindless, trashy woman's magazine, it might look good on the outside, but there isn't much substance behind what's being presented. Basically, whether it's a figure that only looks flawless because it was altered by a computer, or a burger that only looks juicy because it's oozing with chemicals and flavor enhancers--the truth is, you're not getting the real deal, even if they love to see you smile or promise to let you have it your way.

Here's an interesting parallel:
It seems that modern day "love", or lust, is a lot like a drive-thru. People want instant satisfaction, whether or not it's good for them, and if they don't get what they want, they send it back without thinking twice, it's not like you had to wait that long anyway--no emotional attachments were made. Instant gratification is nice, no doubt, but what about the consequences? It seems our thoughts have become like a quick-stop, we dismiss them right after they've entered our minds because that's the only way we know how to keep the customer satisfied, Simon and Garfunkel style--in the sense that You're in trouble boy/and you're heading into more.

But you are your own customer getting yourself into trouble:
Your taste buds might be watering over some fabulous french fries drenched in oil, so why neglect the craving? And if you're also in need of a sugar fix, why not order up a side of eye candy to go along with it--something that just looks good, who cares about substance? Whatever looks and feels good, at least right now, seems to be the motto that eventually leaves us starved in every sense of the word. We poison our physical bodies with crap, no wonder it's so easy to feed our souls the same toxic chemicals. The sad thing is, what inspires that kind of behavior is the desire for happiness and satisfaction. If we could purchase the sense of happiness at a drive-thru we would, and we wouldn't care that it was only a "sense" and not the genuine article...or maybe we wouldn't know the difference, at least not until later.

At age 5, happiness was a brand new doll at Christmas from Santa, at least to me. Obviously my definition of happiness then was completely ignorant. The poor doll would eventually get buried in a box somewhere in my dusty garage after I found a new toy to replace it. Now, all the things I associate with happiness can't be disposed of. I can't even imagine growing tired of them because they are spiritual and emotional necessities. With time, I've not only come to appreciate meaningful relationships because they are rare and irreplaceable, but I've also come to value myself more as an individual. I don't like poisoning my mind or body with things that will distort my perception of happiness or life. Because I value life itself, I want to make it last, even if I have to make decisions that won't bring me instant gratification. This doesn't just go for serious issues, but also the lighter ones. Being able to give my all is so important to my happiness because it makes my life meaningful, and if I am in a destructive relationship, or I'm putting destructive food in my body, I'm not able to do that. I guess this is part of the reason why they say you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else.

One of my favorite movies is Como Agua Para Chocolate. There are a few reasons why I like it, but one of the more obvious ones is this: the way it entwines emotion and food. How the people experienced the food was directly related to the emotion felt by the person preparing the meal. Even though it was a fantasy-based movie, I do think some of its core elements can be applied to real life, at least in an indirect and symbolic way. For instance, we all know love really does make food taste better...and we are also too familiar with the saying: You are what you eat. So I guess if that's true, then most of us are greasy, fake, frozen at one point or another, and probably fried.

hungry but full

Life does funny things to you. Right when you think it's smooth sailing, that the rough winds have died down enough for you to not get sea sick...the waves start getting a little crazy again and you begin to wonder if the grotesque shade of green your face is turning matches the seaweed being heaved onto the deck of your recently polished boat. You know it's gonna be more than a three hour tour, far more than what you and Skipper bargained for.

So, this is how it is right now for me. It's been an incredibly rough week, but I'm determined to try to stay as "normal" as possible, continuing to busy myself with the things I love, especially cooking--even if I can't ingest the food I make. What irony, hu? The girl who wants to have her own restaurant one day, and possibly go to culinary art school, has pretty significant digestive problems that seem to be getting worse as of late (though I am thankful that up until this week, things seemed to be settling down....I guess it was just too boring for my body). It seems even cream of rice made with water and a pinch of sugar and cinnamon is too much for my disturbed stomach, it's quite pathetic and frustrating, considering how much I love food. It seems we actually have a love-hate relationship, but most of the time I tend to be in deep denial over the "hate" aspect of it.

Oh yes, I think my footprints are deeply embedded on the carpeted path leading from my bed to the lovely toilet room. And those fab all-night stomach stabbing-cramping sessions are back again, hopefully only for a short (but very unwelcomed) visit. I really do need this blog to vent, I don't want to mix what I love (i.e., cooking, poetry, and even music) with my not-so-happy bloggings, but, hey, I try to be realistic, I can't even stay unhappy for too long, it's "un-Sophie". I just wish I could divide things up that easily in real life...like, maybe I could convince my body to only get sick on days when it's too hot or even too rainy to do much else, and it would be quite wonderful if I could orchestrate my stomachaches around my work schedule, but life is holding the bulletin board of Sophie's activities, and my body is too darn weak to speak up and say NO, getting sick really is a waste of time, not to mention depressing, so lets focus on something more productive!

So even though there's still the medical bills to pay off from my past surgery, and college debt I can't forget about...at least I actually got my degree, and thank God I didn't have to sit around with a sick gallbladder, just waiting for my liver or pancreas to start malfunctioning. What else? At least I can still cook...and even if I can't eat it, I'm thankful it makes someone's day; Jose gets a kick out of trying something that came out of my at-home experiment lab, aka kitchen. And when I'm staring at the ceiling late at night, feeling like I'm the only one with gut-wrenching pain, I realize that I still have my entire life ahead of me. This isn't a fatal situation I'm in and God has already blessed me far more than I expected to be blessed at this point in my life. Who can forget this ultimate sustaining blessing--my sanity keeper--love. I have plenty of it, and even though my empty stomach might be craving a juicy steak which, upon its consumption, would definitely open the door for me to get a "thank you for being our #1 customer" call from a Charmin sales representative....I know my heart is full and quite satisfied.

So, yeah, I might feel like I'm the only 20 something year old with a 90 year old digestive system, but at least I know that what I have is meaningful and lasting. Sometimes I think I wouldn't have been able to figure it out on my own, all these obstacles have definitely opened my eyes. For instance, I don't know how many girls my age can say that their fiance has been there with them "in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, in good times and in bad."

It seems marital vows are quite easy to recite for anyone wearing the fanciest dress/tuxedo they'll probably ever own, but it appears those vows lose their significance once the "special" occasion is over; they get hidden in the closet and start to yellow like the once white wedding dress. The only gown Jose has ever seen me in is a hospital gown, and as far as I'm concerned, it actually holds more symbolic meaning and significance to me than any wedding dress ever could. And how do I know I'm with the right person and that I do have a groovy kind of love, even if Phil Collins already said he had it first? Because Jose's already done far more for me than what the average husband ever has to do for his wife, and, also, he's not doing it just because he vowed to, though it is evident that in his heart he's just as dedicated as if he did.

Another blog?! Yep!

Alright, being that I have an obsession with cooking AND blogging, I figured it'd be a good idea for me to open up a food blog. It's still pretty small, I just fixed it up a few days ago. I didn't want this blog's content to get too "messy" with just too much information... So to keep things a little more on the organized side, from now on I'll be posting all my "foodie stuff" on the food blog, while this site stays dedicated to just words/stories/random personal experiences--all that kinda stuff. Alrighty then, for now happy blogging (you know that's what I'll be doing)!