"Only with laughter can you win"

...and that's the title of one of my favorite musician's older releases, Rosie Thomas' "Only with Laughter Can You Win". True, it seems there are times when all we can really do is sit back and laugh at how ridiculous life is, but then there are moments that are harder to deal with; issues that are far from a laughing matter.

...and this is where "my story" begins.

A couple of years ago I started feeling pretty bad. It began with severe dizziness, really bad migraines, and then it progressed to other things like feeling pain all over my body. It honestly felt like someone was twisting my muscles around while I was trying to keep my balance on a ship out at sea as someone else hit me over the head with a frying pan; not pleasant at all. It was pretty unsettling when I first started feeling this way, considering it was in the middle of my college career. Up until that point, I never really had any serious issues, other than the sensitive stomach I've had since I was a kid and a few migraines here and there. So, obviously, I wanted to figure out what was wrong.

The first thing I did was withdraw from school for medical reasons, I would only miss a semester. I then went to various specialists and had tons of tests done so that the doctors could figure out what was wrong with me. At first they thought I had tachycardia, which is an irregular heartbeat, but further tests revealed that was not the case. Then I went to an ENT (ear, nose and throat doctor). He was the one who discovered via an equilibrium test that my ears weren't working the way they should, in the sense that they weren't helping me keep my balance, since the two were slightly unbalanced. Still, the tests continued, I had a couple of MRIs. The first one came back normal, and two years later I had another, which revealed that I actually had a cyst in my pineal gland. The doctors were not convinced that the cyst was the problem, though. So then (a year and a half later) I went to a rheumatologist, for the body pain, and it was discovered that I had/have something known as antinuclear antibodies. Usually people who have these ANAs (as I learned they are called) have an autoimmune disease. Basically, an autoimmune disease causes the body to attack itself; it produces antibodies to fight off the good cells in the body. There are a variety of autoimmune diseases, but one of them that I most certainly have, according to the Dr., is Raynaud's disease (it sounds scary but, really, all that happens is my fingers turn purplish/blue when they get too cold). Based on further testing, though, the doctor thought I could have either a mild case of fibromyalgia, lupus, or scleroderma. Neither of those sounded pretty. The doctor gave me a medication that would help with the body pain, and it did.

Lately, things have been pretty good. My dizziness is pretty under control, I'm learning to deal with it (basically, my body is readjusting itself to literally get use to it) and the headaches have also subsided. Just recently, though, I've started developing a new symptom: acid reflux. It's horrible, and it's a common thing that many people have. I saw the Dr. a few days ago and he prescribed me a medication that has worked very well to manage the acid. He actually plans on doing a few tests, because upon hearing my symptoms and discovering that I have ANAs, he started thinking that I might, in fact, have scleroderma, one of the diseases the rheumatologist also thought I might have. Still, there are days when I have unexplainable pain and, honestly, it gets pretty rough.

I try to explain my illness to people and it's hard for them to believe me sometimes; they're usually surprised that I have one because I am so young. I feel the same way! I get discouraged because I feel there are so many things I'd like to do with my life, but often times I am limited because of my physical ailments. I feel like I have to try so much harder than the average person just to get out of the house or even make the bed, when it gets really bad. Sometimes all I can do is cry and pray. My boyfriend is incredibly understanding and patient; he has truly been blessed with those two character qualities, among many others. But often times I still find myself having a pity party. I sing the "why me, God?" song all too often, and I even forget to thank him for the blessings. For instance, a few months ago I was afraid that I might not even graduate because I was so ill. I even had to go to the disability office at school so that I could have a semester medical excuse for my absences. It was tough, but I made it; thank God I'm a college graduate now.

Sure, I wish I didn't have all these weird things that add up to the symptoms of an autoimmune disease; it gets disheartening. Sometimes I don't even want to make plans with friends, due to the possibility of having to let them down as a result of my inability to hang out because of my illness. It's not the end, though. The truth is, I do have some very caring people in my life who support me, and all I can do is love them in return. So when I get really down about my illness, or I'm feeling really sick, I try to think of them and their love. Not only that, but I realize that because of love, I am not a loser in this battle against an illness. I see my illness as an enemy that tries to steal my joy and rob me of my hope for tomorrow. Though I see myself as the one who has the ability to overcome, not necessarily the physical hardships of that illness, but the emotional difficulties it brings. Love gives me the strength to realize that I can make it if I choose to; that is, if I decide to wage war against the illness by remembering that I have the ability to control my thoughts, and that I have a soul that isn't sick at all, but more alive than my body. However, the illness becomes the winner when I start believing that I am nothing more than a sick body, that I am limited because of my sickness, and that my life is being overtaken by the illness. Real Life is what occurs outside of the physically tangible; it's made-up of what gives a moment meaning and our existence reason. So as long as I still have a soul and mind that are focused on what lasts, like love and strength, then I am not really limited because my soul is connected to what will be there, even if the illness decided to pass and never return.