Making it!

Oh man! These past few weeks have been some of the hardest. EVER. Not only has my stomach been painfully annoying, but I have become a terribly annoying person too -- and I don't have anyone or anything to blame; it's not a side-effect from the medications, it's just the ugly side of Sophie. Even though I'm sick, it's hard for me to not let this illness get the best of me and contaminate my persona/soul. Sometimes I do feel like I'm losing sight of who I really am. But the hardest part is that sometimes I let myself get so blind, that I start thinking I'm alone in this, that there isn't anyone who could possibly understand, or even care enough to try. Isn't that an awful thing to think, especially when thoughts like that can make a person ill even if they are generally healthy? This is the truth, though. I don't want to make myself out to be some courageous, ever strong-in-faith woman, when I am, really, a weak little girl who's still trying to figure it out, even though I've already had 22 years to do it.

During times like these, that old cliche definitely applies "Just take it one day at a time." I think that's the only piece of advice that an outsider could easily offer anyone in a stressful position. Even if it feels like you're in hell, at least it only comes one day at a time (Yeah, I'm saying that in a sarcastic tone, but that's me)! The up-side of this truth: It really isn't hell! Imagine being completely isolated from anything remotely good, I'm definitely not anywhere close to that, even though my gut begs to differ when it feels like it's on fire.

One thing I hate is when people offer their words of wisdom or pieces of advice without offering their listener the ugly side of their story, because, the truth is, we're all humans that struggle. There's no escaping our flawed state of existence. We all get down, we all lose hope; even the happiest person you know makes mistakes and has trouble finding the silver lining sometimes. And guess what? I am human and I fall under that "flawed" category. I'm not completely pessimistic, though. I know that every coin has a shinier side, even though it also has one that's tarnished. But the side you see depends on how it lands after life's obstacles toss it around.
Right now I'm trying to polish that tarnished side. Every day I decide who I'm going to be in spite of when or how often I get tossed around. I'm trying to make better decisions before I let the things I can't control get the best of me.

Just the other night, or morning, depending on whether or not you're on "college time" :), I found myself staring at the ceiling, unable to sleep thanks to my gut, and I was wasting time NOT giving thanks for the good things. The all-too-familiar "why me?" lyrics started whirling around in my head as the stereotypical, cheesy violin music began to play...but then I finally decided that song sucked, so I chucked it like a really bad Fray album that I would throw-out if I actually owned (but I never have because I think my guinea pig's squeaks sound better than their lead singer's voice, though many would kill me for having that opinion). So, digressive music analogy aside, I wanted to move away from the negativity. I got up outta bed, and hopped on over to my bookshelf, hoping something would catch my eye...and there it was, A Path Through Suffering by Elisabeth Elliot. From the first book of hers I read a few years back til now, I have been an ardent fan of this awesome woman. She has never let anything get her permanently down, despite the fact that two of her husbands died, and one of them was a missionary who was murdered on the field. Elisabeth Elliot is someone who knows the worst of pain, the kind inflicted on her by other people (murder! she was able to forgive a murderer!), and the pain of losing a loved one. This has been a lady who writes books I thoroughly enjoy reading because she knows what I'm talking about, and she's candid about her struggles too. I've enjoyed what I've read so far; I recommend this book to anyone who has faith that God allows goodness to prevail in the end, those who are losing that kind of faith, and those who never had it to begin with; really, anyone can get something from her book(s).

She quotes many different authors in her book, one of them being the well-known C.S. Lewis, in my opinion, one of the most intelligent people. Even though I mostly admire him for his ability to spark a child's imagination, thanks to the Narnia books, I also love how he weaves wisdom into his words so that, in the end, it's almost like he's created a quilt we can all use. This is what I'm talking about (keep the game of chess in mind when reading the following lines):

You can deprive yourself of a castle, or allow the other man sometimes to take back a move made inadvertently. But if you concede everything that at any moment happened to suit him--if all his moves were revocable and if all your pieces disappeared whenever their position on the board was not to his liking--then you could not have a game at all. So it is with the life of souls in a world: fixed laws, consequences unfolding by casual necessity, the whole natural order, are at once the limits within which their common life is confined and also the sole condition under which any such life is possible. Try to exclude the possibility of suffering which the order of nature and the existence of free-will involves, and you find that you have excluded life itself.

Ah, so much power in one paragraph! That's what I love about words. So, in all truth, suffering is inevitable because it's a part of what makes life, life! But what Elizabeth Elliot does (who is so cool, I need to continue using her first and last name when referring to her :) is point out the positive aspects of suffering. What? Am I crazy, the positive aspects? Sounds like an oxymoron, but, yes, the positive aspects. I'll explain a little of what she says, and I'll leave the rest a mystery so you can enjoy the book when you read it. Anyway, suffering is what Elizabeth Elliot calls "a blessed inconvenience". It's what happens when you don't want it to, but it also provides you an opportunity to become someone you didn't know you could be. Think about it, it's easy to be a loving person when life's going your way and you're feeling great, but it's so tough to stay upbeat when a bird poops on your head right after walking out on your job and shortly before discovering your mother is dying! I bet you'd want to cut-off every car that gets in your way on the road so that you can hurry home and throw a pillow against the wall, at least I would. But that's not loving, is it? Of course not, but it is easy to do because it's a part of the human condition that includes anger...and after anger usually follows unpleasant venting that tends to involve someone getting hurt. Where the heck is the "blessed inconvenience"?! That's what I'd say, and I have. Here it is: life bites you in the butt, and instead of cussing out the next stranger you see who spits their gum out in a fury of rage (and you happen to step on it)...ask them why they did it, but don't just ask, CARE. Someone is pissed off, there's obviously something wrong, and even though you've been wronged, you've also been given the opportunity to help someone who might be stuck in a deeper whole than you've ever been. The hard times don't stop at your door, they're like the energizer bunny, they keep going and going and...so why not try to take their batteries out for once?

Elizabeth Elliot also includes a quote by Ugo Bassi, and I'll end on this because it pretty much sums up what I've said so far, but with fancier lingo:

Measure thy life by loss and not by gain:
Not by the wine drunk but by the wine poured forth,
For love's strength standeth in love's sacrifice
And he that suffereth most hath most to give.